Never ever did I imagine I would be writing these words. I feared, but never thought it would actually be me. All of this has happened so fast, it still is difficult to take it all in. On the morning of Wednesday, May 13th Ernie and I had officially decided on our baby boy's name. We had found out we were having a boy when I was about 15 weeks pregnant. Soon after we decided on the name 'Theo'. We loved the name, and didn't particularly choose it for its meaning, or any reason besides we just really loved it. However, it means 'divine gift' and shortly after I felt God was speaking to me about what his name meant. I am someone that deals with fear, in an annoying, and life consuming way at times. I have been practicing gratitude majorly in the past few years as a way to combat fear. And one day I sensed God saying that Theo was a gift, each day with him is a gift and I can choose to worry about what the future could hold for him, or I could choose to live in today and rejoice in the gift he is today. It was one of those times where you feel like the information you believe in your head transfers to your heart and you are at peace. And I became determined that I would choose to live in today, and not in tomorrow. We officially decided on the name Everett right before we went in for my ultrasound. I had been set on Everett for weeks, but Ernie wasn't sure about it. However, that morning he told me he was sure we were supposed to name our boy 'Theo Everett'. Everett means 'brave'. That term had a lot of meaning to us from this past season of our lives as we had each journeyed through some difficult times of anxiety, depression, the difficulties of church planting, having trouble getting pregnant. Life had beaten us up pretty hard, but we felt that God was calling us to be brave through it all. Not in a 'pull up our boot straps' kind of way, but in a 'let go, surrender control, and trust Me' kind of way. It just felt right to choose his middle name to be Everett and commemorate that time. Little did we know that His name meaning would take on all new depths as we would journey into the uncharted waters of dealing with losing this child.
After finding out at the doctor that our baby was no longer alive in my womb, we learned that I would have to go through the process of laboring and delivering the baby in the hospital. It felt cruel and so strange. To have to go through the process of labor, and not have the joy of it at the end just felt wrong. I went home, and took some medicine that they gave me to start the process. It was supposed to have a minimal effect, and simply help the process once I got to the hospital the next day, but for me it full on started the labor. I felt fairly strong contractions as I went to sleep that night, but I was so exhausted from the day, that I went right to sleep. When I woke up at 11pm because my water broke, I knew I had to get right to the hospital. Baby Theo came at 4:15amon May 14th. We found out that he had developed Spina Bifida, which is a condition that causes the spinal cord to develop improperly and that this was likely the cause of miscarriage.
After his birth, Ernie and I were able to hold him and spend time with him and grieve losing him. It was so painful, yet such a bonding experience for Ernie and I. It felt so very strange to hold our tiny and lifeless baby. It took everything in me to not just want to avoid the pain and the grief and move on, but I knew that if I truly wanted to experience the healing I need from all of this, I needed to grieve properly. And I wanted to celebrate this little life that had impacted our family so greatly over the past few months. Theo was very much already a part of our family. Once we found out he was a little boy when I was around 15 weeks, we began to dream. We dreamt about Judson as a big brother and showing him the ropes of 'boyhood'. We dreamt of life with 2 little kiddos. We couldn't wait. Perhaps the sweetest part of it was watching Judson be so excited about being a big brother. He was taking it very seriously, and would hold a baby any chance he would get to prepare. He was sure to say 'Good morning Theo' each morning when we woke up and he smothered my belly with kisses. He even talked to Theo through my belly button and told him how much he loved him every day. We deeply bonded as a family in these sweet moments of dreaming about our little boy. He just already felt like a beautiful part of our family.
These days that have followed have been so painful. Each time I see a baby, or a pregnant mama I am hit with deep sadness. I often find myself holding my belly, or thinking I am still pregnant and have to catch myself and the grief hits me again. Its easy to begin to fear the future, and if this could happen again, or worry about having to go through early pregnancy again. Or I am simply hit with the pain that even if all goes well, it will still be a long time before I can hold a baby in my arms. A dream that has been unexpectedly delayed for years, now to only be delayed longer. But I am learning about the freedom of surrender. Grief and surrender are so very closely tied. Choosing not to surrender will only worsen my grief and cause me to live bound by my own desires and dreams and expectations. The older I am getting, the more I am learning that life will never meet the expectations I once had of it, and I guess I am really learning to let go. I feel the temptation to want to cling, yet I can also taste the freedom of choosing to let go and believe that my dreams and desires are pale in comparison to God's. How many times has He proven Himself faithful, yet I still doubt?
I believe we have been held up and carried by the support and prayers of our friends. God's grace has been so evident and I know its because of the amazing people in our lives who care, and love on us and pray for us. We are so grateful. We know we have a journey ahead of us as we deal with the pain of this loss, and we just want to thank you for all of your love and support!
